Letter to God

January 1, 2018

Really, God?  Really?  Cancer?  Or the strong possibility of cancer?  After everything else you’ve hit me with in my life, I truly never expected this.  I mean, I have literally been sick since the moment I was born!  From shingles at 18 months old, to clinical depression as a preschooler, to migraine headaches and bipolar episodes as a teenager – and I’m sure you know I could keep going.  Now what am I supposed to do with this?  

I mean, I have a child to take care of, Lord.  You have entrusted me with this wonderful, smart, funny, compassionate, giving young man.  He already takes on more responsibility in taking care of me than he should have to at 14.  What is this going to do to him, now?  He already deals with anxiety and depression and chronic illness.  He does not need this added stress.  I worry so much about him.

And my brain has totally stopped working.  I simply cannot focus on anything that requires coherent thought.  I took an incomplete in my Statistics class, and I have an extra 21 days to finish the work.  But how am I going to do that?  I can’t get my brain to work.  All I want to do is watch Little Women and Scooby Doo.  What if I fail?  Then my financial aid won’t pay for the class, and I’ll be left with a huge bill that I’m unable to pay.  Just what I need – another money stressor!  

And my parents, Lord.  They’re old, you know.  I mean, they’re really not up for a fight like this.  I so appreciate that every day with them is such a blessing.  And they have always taken such good care of me throughout my whole life.  Even now, at 54, they are caring for me as best they can.  What’s going to happen to me when they’re gone?  Who’s going to take care of me?  

This surgery, partial nephrectomy, is going to be a big deal, even if it is robotically assisted, laparoscopic.  It’s still major abdominal surgery and will probably have a six to eight-week recovery time just like my hysterectomy did.  That scares me.  What are my son and I going to do about laundry?  Meals?  Housework?  I guess after I meet with the surgeon I’d better get on the phone with the insurance company.  Another thing to try to handle with my fog-filled brain.

Lord, my head and my heart know that You are with me always.  I know that You will always give me the grace and the strength to handle whatever You send to me.  But my emotions are out of control.  I feel this huge weight of worry, Lord.  I have a constant migraine, which no amount of medication relieves.  My Fibromyalgia is flaring.  My Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is flaring.  I’ve lost my sense of Inner Peace, Lord.  

I was baptized yesterday at my church.  It’s funny, kind of – I signed up for it last month, before all this came up.  But then I thought, what better time for it to happen?  And I was really hoping that maybe my Peace would come back with the baptism.  But it didn’t, and I kind of feel like a failure because of that.  Like maybe my Faith isn’t strong enough.  Even though my head knows that’s not true, that the enemy is attacking me through my self-doubts.  Please protect me from those attacks of the enemy, Lord.  I know that I don’t have it in me right now to fight him off myself.

I’m just so tired, Lord.  So tired and so stressed.  I feel like I keep giving it to You, but it just keeps coming back on me, and I don’t know how to keep it away.

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